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What I do with my partners, the sacred circles we sculpt of hot pink rope harnesses and recycled bicycle tires just transcends all of that shit.

And to stomp a scumfuck predator back to her oozing primordial roots might temporarily elate, but it would blight my blessings. And shroud consensual stompings of a goose-bumped girlytoy, laid on a faded lime green yoga mat, in a cloud of unquellable doubt.

Big Business vs Aleister Church. Photo credit to Michelle Yoder. And I hate myself a little for quipping such a catchy and inviting particle of promotion and not being able to follow through with the extolation of its many wonders that bewitch and beguile the hearts of women.

It occurred to me, as I shampooed my hair for the third time that night to get the last of that sudsy, squid ink sex serum from my hair, that there is probably something raw and tumultuously vulnerable lying beneath this latex-bound Bacchus.

I tried putting it out of mind. That was always my first response, the first and only in my emotional self-triage: clearly everyone here is having as hard a time as me and I should focus my efforts there in lieu of bringing light to positive experiences.

Only the blue ribbon of prized assholes uses an inflatable pool ankle-deep with lube as therapy, on display before discreet and respectable perverts who leer and lust from the comfort of oversized couches.

I was and still am, to a degree, very invested in this image of myself. But slightly more invested in a different image of myself that of a mercenary journalist who, despite her at times gaping flaws is still honest and dedicated to her work is a shadow cabinet cadre of friends, sisters-in-arms and ex-lovers, who pay per adventure to get the truth as I can offer it.

And the truth is: my match with Aleister Church was some fine ass poetry in motion. It really was a great match. It was great storytelling; Aleister, the cute and spunky ingenue, fighting physics tooth and nail to tilt the boulderous Big Business off her feet.

Bodyslammed, tackled, and illegally choked for their troubles, they nonetheless end the match standing tall, with a begrudgingly impressed Business trying to regain her footing, having exhausted herself with her own honorless fighting style.

Grown men venture to wrestling schools in Pennsylvania to learn to tell these kinds of stories. We peddle them in inflatable pools, with scavenged outfits and too much eyeshadow.

It was cathartic. It was gratifying and transformative and for all the good I felt it did my self-esteem and self-image I wish I had thought of nicer, more positive things to tweet about the event than:.

Surrounded by femme Cis women who I will never look like. Both invisible and an eyesore. This could heaven or this could be hell. Yes, sure you thought my match was good.

Sure you liked my outfit. Nobody thinks that of me. Least of all the other performers. But it does come from a real place of raw doubt and vulnerability.

While Aleister and I passed a bottle of rose-scented lipstain between us in front of a giant mirror, the wrestlers cobbled together collaborative character study.

This is where it hurts to be grabbed. Do you feel okay being spanked? This is the new consent in real-time. Kill the beast. Cut its throat.

Spill its blood. Dottie Lux, the host and organizer of the event, is an iron fist cast in a velvet glove.

She almost never leaves the immediate perimeter of the pool, fraught to navigate in heels as it is. But this is a queer space! Someone tries to sneak a picture.

Dottie instinctively serpentines in front of the performers, arms out, and motions for all the arena to fix eyes upon the offender.

Her eyes, severe and smug like many a fictional parental catching their child in the act, are the last to leave behind the now very sheepish and shame-faced voyeur, who softly shuffles back to their seat.

Save your questions for the end. In her hand she has a preciously sketched design for her wrestling outfit; the piece de resistance is a cape made to look like the bisexual pride flag.

The ringside sides at Go Deep cost over three times that of general admission. But without fail, at ringside, in a couch pillow-less purgatory, are the very same people the space is meant as the alternative to.

The flannel shirt and taxi cap fashion has yet to divest a discernible flagging system. This shit, this culture, is practically in the air we breathe.

You could tell a man, while taking his money, that your space is not for him. Beckon and bring forth Big Business.

Surely most of those jobs can be automated now. Those will require some old-fashioned facetime.

The sublime and surreptitious convenience of her character is that, like [comic book reference] or [other comic book reference], she is a catch-all catastrophe, the ideal villain.

I met Bella backstage at the May 17th event. She had an elegant effervescence to her; you would swear that if you leaned in too close, you might in fact inhale her.

When I was young I would practice my feminine step in empty Wal-Mart aisles. One knee shortcuts the other.

With each step, imagine a flower is blooming beneath the heel as it rises. Straighten out your feet, Jetta. Not so stompy, Jetta. Bella commands a cavalier grace as she glides fucking.

I would rate my embarrassment over this admission at about intermediate. I felt an immediate, almost kinetic kinship with Bella the moment we met.

Perhaps I thought she needed an immortal BFF. Go out for space lattes. Ride in time traveling bumper cars. I just have a lot of people I hate, and some of them can afford doctors.

We sat at Good Bellies in Temescal. When I went for the record button, I had realized that our hands had been long intertwined. And we were talking.

We had been talking for a while now. Tears in our eyes, knuckles white with the kung-fu grip of mutual grief. Where was I all the while?

Handsy being my word, not hers. But it feels so good to be able to say yes, this did happen. I happened. She hooked up her film projector to my film projector.

With a hand squeeze and tender eye contact, I saw without sight, I felt without nerves. All the seven hells harvested in single words.

This is why I put trigger warnings at the beginning of my post. Survivor recognizes survivor, and with a word you can be transported to whole other dimension of suffering.

At the end of this journey I will have bought enough coffee for myself and others to murder a straight edge bass player.

I like it. I would be Bella all the time, if I could. In books. The sort that well-meaning friends and partners give to young trans women.

Learn to incorporate your femme persona into your everyday male one. Becoming a woman is drastic and ill-advised. My family—them, nobody can get to me there.

Bella and Big Business adorn opposite sides of the same coin. I would not want to live as Big Business. She does the wet work.

A consummate power fantasy. Bella Badonkadonk is not an escape, but a liberation. She is not an alter ego but an ego trip, a realization in real time of the life the one who named her into being deserves.

I was supposed to in a Berkeley kitchen, julienning rocket and red pepper. I made the right choice. Their bathroom has this horrid scented handsoap.

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